From Evangelizing to Catholics to Becoming One (?)

A change of heart in one year...

A year ago, today, I was in the country of Zambia, which is located in the southern part of Africa, serving on a mission trip. It was the first mission trip I had ever served on, and I was going to be in Zambia for a month. It was one of the wildest leaps of faith I have taken in my life, but one I wholeheartedly believe the Lord orchestrated. I knew He wanted me to go on this mission trip, it had been unequivocally clear. From my parents in a few weeks going from saying I could not go on a states based mission trip to agreeing to Zambia, to being fully funded for my trip in three weeks, and every detail working its way out, I knew this was where God intended for me to be. And to this day, boy ‘oh boy, did this trip teach me so much.

It taught me more about my heart for the nations than I had ever known. It unlocked a deep reliance on the Lord and His goodness that I had never experienced before. It taught me all the reasons I had no reason to complain about anything (try living for two weeks in a place with no electricity, no running water, no showers, no AC, where you hand wash your clothes and dry them on the bushes, all while you live in a single room with 12 other girls alongside lizards and the occasional bat, it will teach you a lot). It pushed me outside my comfort zone in a million ways as I conversed with strangers and children, sometimes with a language barrier. It also taught me so much about relying on the Holy Spirit for guidance.

But, my friends, I have an admission to make. One that hurts my heart and my pride to admit but also must be said. Many of you are Catholic. You are following along because this random Protestant girl has staked a vested interested in your faith. But the truth is, a year ago, I was serving with an evangelical, charismatic¹, and anti-catholic mission organization.

Now, I have never identified as “anti-Catholic” or thought of myself in that way. In fact, as a child I would get quite perturbed if someone insinuated that Catholics were not Christians. Why? No idea. But the notion always irritated me. As a little girl, I would always say, “But aren’t Catholics where we get our faith from?” in response to negative commentary about them. In a brief, less than one year education, at a Catholic school (my parents were desperate to get me out of California public schools), I made mention to my mom about becoming Catholic when I grew up. She skirted around the topic before saying I would do what I wanted to when I got older but that some people did not think of them as real Christians. I, however, was ten and thought the idea of being Catholic was very appealing. Why? Again, truly I have no idea. Years later and my father began a strange joke that I was going to grow up and marry a Catholic and thus become one. Again, why? Truly, I have no idea.

All this to say, there has been an appeal to Catholicism my entire life and even a faint notion that one day I might become one.

But, when I served on this mission organization, there was a shift that took place. I was surprised to find that out of the open witch craft practitioners (yes, witchcraft is very real in Zambia), unbelievers, alcoholics, and Jehovah’s witnesses we encountered, one of the main groups of people we were evangelizing to was Catholics.

In simpler terms, a year ago, I was evangelizing to Catholics. Ready for the incredibly, most definitely, humorous and ironic part? A month before leaving for my trip I had begun researching Catholicism for the second or third time in my life and had been very very very low level considering converting.

But by the time I had gotten on the plane to fly across the Atlantic, I had been briefed by a counterpart on the trip that she had been raised by “heavily religious”² Catholics (spoken with heavy levels of sad disdain) and that Catholicism was full of “so much darkness.”

I froze, unable to bring up, in any way, the quiet unvoiced thoughts of my mind. When I arrived in Zambia, I was informed by my group leaders that Catholics often submitted to a “works-based” mentality for salvation and to remember that when we spoke with them. In days, I was quickly converted into a zealous, charismatic Christian all too happy to preach the gospel’s good news of faith alone³ to the Catholics we came across.

Two weeks after getting back to the States, I started my freshman year of college on “fire” for Jesus like I never have been before. In the first two weeks of school, I was sharing the gospel with Jehovah’s witnesses on a street corner, sharing Jesus’ love with a friend in my dorm room, and telling everyone I knew about my passion for missions. A few months later, second semester of college, I was speaking to a Catholic friend about her faith in the car. Another charismatic friend and I sat in the front seats and turned towards her in the back. She mentioned feeling that at times she had to work for God’s love (though now reflecting, I think we may have insinuated she might have felt that in the first place). My charismatic friend and I looked at one another before looking back at her and asking if she wanted to “give that up” and accept Jesus’ free gift (frankly, writing this just breaks my heart. Praise God my sweet Catholic friend did NOT listen to us). She shrugged “sure” before we asked her if she really wanted to. She shook her head “no” and said she would think about it.

That was less than six months ago.

I cannot begin to put to words how ashamed I am of these actions. Writing this makes my flesh scream. In the name of truth, I was attempting to pull faithful friends away from a faith system I didn’t even fully understand.

I think God must have a strange sense of humor. A year ago I was evangelizing to Catholics, now I am considering becoming one. But if I do become Catholic, I cannot begin to imagine the testimony that is. God has been good to me far beyond what I deserve.

It would be woefully unfair of me to write about considering converting and act like I have always been an open armed Protestant who believe in the unity of the faith with my Catholic brothers and sisters, because I have not always been.

Today, I saw a post from another girl I served with on my mission trip last year. She is far more charismatic than I have ever dreamed of being. But this girl loves God a whole lot and I know truly means the best. She is currently in Africa serving as a missionary with another organization. This was what her post said:

“Catholics coming to Jesus through the crystal clear Gospel! This man ran inside to take off his rosary and was ready to repent of anything holding him captive!!”

I saw this and my heart dropped a little, my stomach twisting in a sick knot.

I was her. I had been her. And now in this strange plain of in-between land, one where I no longer feel like I can fully identify as Protestant, but am not ready yet to make a commitment to Catholicism, my heart is broken. Broken for the divide and the clear misunderstanding between our brothers and sisters in Christ. Frustrated by the caricature of Catholicism all the Protestants I know have been presented with. And a sickness in my soul over the very notion Catholics are lost, unfaithful, and unbelieving souls.

If anything, every person in recent weeks I have interacted with, spoken to, and even messaged with on Substack has proved that to be just the opposite. I’m moved to tears when I think of all the wonderful Catholic men and women who have reached out and offered me prayer with discerning this. The amount of people who have told me they are proud of me for wanting to deepen my faith and understand it more, no matter where I land.

And so I write this out of a place of humble repentance warbled with bitter sadness and overwhelming gratitude, for all of you.

Thank you for your unyielding love and support. It has, in many ways, broken the chain of notions about the Church I have held onto up until this point and supported my slowly and ever growing conviction that the Church may just be the place for me.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Photo by Joel Muniz on Unsplash

1. The term “charismatic” Christianity refers to Christian’s who heavily place emphasis on gifts of the Holy Spirit and believe in continuationism. Often times they resemble Pentecostals in practice but belong to mainstream churches.

2. I have mentioned this previously in footnotes and in some other “essays” but Protestants use the word “religion” as a word of offense rather than reflecting devote faith to a belief system. “Religiosity” is seen as a burden to carry and on the level of Pharisee’s. It is also viewed as a damage to our relationship with Christ. Linguistically, this is something that has sparked interesting conversations between myself and Catholics. We can say the same word and mean something entirely different.

3. Sola Fide, also known as justification by faith alone is one of the five sola’s of reformation theology. Out of the 5 solas, I would personally identify this one as the most prevalent in the Protestant community and the baseline for Protestant theology. Curious why Catholics reject sola fide? This article is a great resource!